It’s that time of year again. The day we’ve all been waiting for. Armed with a racing post in one hand and a potato in the other, hordes of enthusiastic Irish punters will be heading on down to a place which probably doesn’t sound anything like it’s written: Curragh.
According to Wikipedia, the Irish Oaks is a Group 1 flat horse race on the Emerald Isle open to three-year-old thoroughbred fillies. This race has come in for criticism in previous years from non-thoroughbred horses who see this event as just another elitist, not to mention sexist, product of a capitalist horse society. We probably all remember the violent clashes in 2014 outside the race track where a gang of furiously delerious male horses led by John Biscuit chanted “elitist sluts” and tried to gnaw their way through the fences with the eventual aim of throwing themselves on to the track in an Emily Davison style suicide pact in protest against the event. Some say County Kildare has never been the same since.
But anyway, who cares. Last year’s winner was a horse called Bracelet, ridden by Colm O’Donoghue and trained by Aidan O’Brien. For those of you who do not know who Mr O’Brien is, he’s the one who always walks up and down the track wearing a top hat for seemingly no reason. Top bloke.
A symbol of modern progression and the first overtly transgender horse in the racing world, Jack has a real chance on account of the other horses’ trepidation around her.
So looking at this year’s field I’m actually finding it really hard to pick the winner. This really comes down to two overriding factors. The first of which is that I don’t really know anything about horse racing. In fact I find the whole thing a bit mundane. This often renders my gambling loss-making rather than profitable. The second reason is that normally I go for the horses with the colours I like the best and as it is only Wednesday, Paddy Power are not showing the jockey’s colours. This is troubling for me.
This leaves me really having to pick a horse based on whether or not I like its name. I very rarely check the form of the horses or, for that matter, any of the details at all about any of the runners. I’m instantly drawn towards Qualify. Not because I like it but because I think it’s a twat. I bet on it a few weeks ago in a race without realising it was the only girl (girl horses are called fillies). At about 1/3 the size of the other competitors, I watched as she laboured away at the back like a pathetic piece of shit before coming last. My sources tell me Qualify is trained by Aidan O’Brien so please ignore what I said about him being a top bloke at the end of paragraph 3. The twat.
My feelings about Speedy Boarding are mixed if I’m honest. I am always envious of the people that pay that extra £5 with Ryanair to get on the flight first but then I wouldn’t pay it myself. I’m not really sure where this leaves me. In fact, the whole notion of Ryanair’s existence leaves me confused because as much as I hate everything the company stands for, they have provided me with cheap, no frills trips to classic European destinations for around a decade now. I think what this means is that she is a decent each way shout at 16/1.
Analysing the rest of the field is tricky because all of their names are really boring and uninspiring. Curvy is a short price at 2/1 but don’t get sucked in because we all know curvy is just another word for fat. I believe Vanessa Felts used to refer to herself as curvy and I certainly wouldn’t back her over 1m 4f. Stay away.
Pleascach is a horse which has a chance due to its fiery temperament. It was at horse school that Pleascach first realised it was named by someone with dyslexia and when the other horses realised, the bullying started. Credit to Godolphin for snapping this horse up and teaching her to channel her aggression into running really fast.
A horse I haven’t touched upon yet is the transgender Jack Naylor. A symbol of modern progression and the first overtly transgender horse in the racing world, Jack has a real chance on account of the other horses’ trepidation around her. She is twice the size of the rest of the field and still has a penis and this has been known to confuse other fillies in the past. In fact it has also been known to confuse Jack herself. Verdict: back this horse to win by a tip.
There have been rumours that the inaugural winner of this race back in 1970 could be on the verge of making a shock last minute return in an attempt to reclaim her crown. Santa Tina was ridden to glory by Lester Piggott and despite both of them currently being in wheelchairs, the word coming out of Craggy Island is that they could be on the verge of one last hurrah (Curragh..?). Standby for more information.
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